We read articles, blog posts and see videos where people talk about being fully transitioned or “post op”. This gets me thinking. What is it they mean by fully transitioned or post op? It feels like people use those two terms interchangeably. People talk about how things will be when they are done transitioning. I hear folks talk about “once I’ve transitioned”. What does all this mean? How do they know they’re done transitioning? Do we get a certificate that states that our transition is complete and there’s nothing left to do? Who gets to decide this? Doctors? Society? The government? Ourselves? People ask us if we’ve had “the operation” like that’s some kind of testament to whether we’re fully transitioned and, like-wise, when we talk about being post-op, we buy into that whole notion that it takes an operation to fully transition.
Transitions are as unique as finger prints. No one walks exactly the same path or has the same experiences. Not everyone has the same end point in mind when they begin to transition. What one person might consider a complete transition another might consider only partial. Many blog posts have been written about people who do not buy into the gender binary and what their transitions look like. There is wide variety in what any of us, whether binary or not, consider that point where we’re done transitioning. I’ve heard trans people who started transitioning 20 years ago state that they don’t feel done or that they don’t completely relate to the opposite gender as they were assigned at birth. Some are adamant that they are no different than someone who was born and raised as their transitioned gender.
Personally, I don’t even like the word transition. To me it is misleading. It means that we’re going from one thing to another. We’re not doing that, though. We already are this thing that we’re supposedly transitioning towards. It’s true that our bodies change and how society sees us and treats us changes, but who we are stays the same. Because of the brainwashing that we received from birth it might take us quite a long time to realize who and what we really are but it doesn’t mean that we weren’t that person all along. Sure, hormones can do some wonky things to our heads, especially at first, and make it seem like our personalities have changed, but what’s really happening is that our true self is coming out and we’re being allowed to let our personalities be free for the first time since we were little children. I prefer the word align. I feel like I’ve gone through an alignment internally and externally as a person. My internal and external are in alignment.
The general population of cis-gender people see people like Kaitlyn Jenner in the news and they assume that we all go from being a hyper masculine dude to a hyper feminine woman (or vice versa) in the blink of an eye and that then we’re done transitioning. This is a fairytale. Even Jenner, with all of her money, will still continue to transition throughout the rest of her life. Transition is so much more than just surgeries and hormones. Those are the most talked about components, inside and outside of the trans community, but they are just the gas that makes the engine run and not even completely necessary for some people to transition. The nuts and bolts of the transition engine is internal/emotional and social. Why do we get surgeries and take hormones? So we feel better in our bodies and to align our internal and external personas to both ourselves and the world. They change the way we look and therefore how other people see us. They change the way we see ourselves. For me, personally, I wanted to experience having the body I felt I was supposed to have as well as be seen by the rest of the world as the person I have always known myself to be. I could say that once those two goals were met that I was done transitioning. But that’s not even close to true. Even though strangers might see a man when they meet me, people that knew me before as a female often still see a female and want to treat me that way. They are uncomfortable referring to me as he and him and using my correct name. They say things like, “you’ll always be my old relationship (brother/sister/mother/father/etc) and old name to me.” I won’t even go into how selfish and cruel this is to say to someone. Let’s just suffice it to say that the social side of transition is often the hardest and most complicated portion of the journey. And then, there’s our own emotional, internal world that battles over whether we’re really men or women after all and whether we’re “trans enough” and whether we’re performing our new gender correctly and worries about whether someone is going to be able to figure out that we weren’t born into the gender as we present and kick our ass or worse. There are people who will crop up out of nowhere for the rest of our lives that didn’t know we transitioned or that we are forced to “out” ourselves to for a myriad of reasons (think doctors, lawyers, judges, employers, etc.) We can never escape our past.
So, to me, transition never ends. The human body is constantly transitioning, whether we want it to or not. As we sit here reading this post our bodies are all in the process of transforming into something new. Our viewpoints are changing constantly. Our brain is always in the process of change and adaptation, learning new things, forgetting old things, building new pathways. Society might see a man or a woman, but our mother will always see that baby girl or boy that they gave birth to and will struggle to honor our truth throughout the rest of her life. Old employers, even if they got the memo that you changed your name and gender marker, will still mess up your information occasionally. This is just life as a trans person. Or life as a person. How many of us are the same person at 40 that we were at 10, 15 or 20? Hopefully none of us. We’re all transitioning, some more dramatically than others, but we’re all doing it everyday, all day long.
As I sit here writing this post I ask myself this question. When will I be done transitioning? Technically, I am done. Society sees me as a man. I see a man in the mirror. I’m happy with my surgery results. I don’t plan on any more surgeries at the moment, but I’m open to the option in the future. I like the facial and chest hair that hormones have given me, but I want more of it and I know that, with time, it will come. My body is not done changing and it never will be until long after I’ve physically passed on. Even after death our bodies continue to change. We’re never static. Nothing ever stays the same. So, I can happily put on the clothes I feel best wearing every day and step out into the world as a man today, but I know that the transition process will continue throughout the rest of my life. The only difference is that now I can live a more honest and open life and there isn’t anything besides maintaining my hormone levels left to do. If this is what someone means by being fully transitioned than I guess I am at that point but I know that things will continue to change as I go throughout the rest of my life and there is more work to do. And I’m ok with that. I am in alignment, and that’s what matters.