Wardrobe Malfunctions and General Grumpiness

I had one of those mornings today where nothing i put on to wear felt right to me.  Strangely, I had thought those days were long over since I now have the luxury of wearing anything I want.  Apparently they aren’t.  I used to blame my tantrums over my wardrobe on hormones, or my period, or chest dysphoria.   I didn’t want to wear another polo shirt today and I didn’t want to wear jeans.  I’m getting sick of wearing the same old crap day in and day out.  But I work in a shop and I don’t dare to wear anything nice to work either, so I have about 5 black or navy blue polos that I usually wear throughout the week.  It’s pretty boring and I was wanting something different today.  Part of my problem is that I’ve lost weight in the past year and top surgery has made my shirts all much looser than they used to be, so I end up feeling frumpy in even my nicer clothes.  I found a pair of black chinos that I had forgotten I had and put them on.  I couldn’t decide on a shirt.  I must have put on four shirts until I settled on a light blue plaid button up that I used to really enjoy wearing.  It’s way too big now but I tucked it in and it looked a lot better.  I surveyed myself in the full length mirror in my bedroom and decided that it was the best I could do so I proceeded to get myself out of the house.  About a third of the way to work (I have a 20 minute commute), I started getting a panicky anxiety attack about how I looked today and I turned around to go back home.  I made a deal with myself that I’d just get a t shirt to take in case I needed to take the shirt off later in the day.  Once I was home, I ended up changing into one of my better v-neck t shirts and, though I still wasn’t in love with my reflection, I decided to stick with it and go to work.

So what’s the problem?  What did that shirt trigger in me?

What I saw in the mirror looking back at me was an old man.  A grumpy old man.  A fat, grumpy old man.  I have a grumpy resting face.  I wish I didn’t, but I do.  I have a lot of extra skin around my neck from losing weight and it makes me look older than I am.  I don’t love my face like I used to and that upsets me.  I like it better than I did before I lost weight and started T but it’s still a very different face than I used to have for most of my life and I don’t like it as well.  I look in the mirror and don’t really recognize myself anymore.  And I’m not in love with the new look.  Plus, I need a haircut and that always puts me in a grumpy mood.  And my hair is a bone of contention that I’ve been trying to ignore for a while now.  I used to have really nice thick hair and I really liked it.  T has thinned it out and I’m still getting my haircuts from the same lady that did them before I started transitioning.  She does a little clipper work on the bottom and sides now but the top is still styled like it used to be.  I’m not 100% happy with it.

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today and nothing is going to make me happy.

Maybe it’s the black chinos throwing me out of whack.

Maybe I need to go to a barber and get a proper men’s haircut.

Maybe I need some clothes that fit me properly.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m still struggling with my identity and when I wear button up shirts it makes me feel like the whole world sees me and that makes me feel naked and vulnerable.

Maybe this is one of those days where I just don’t have it in me to go to work and present as male and deal with that if someone who I haven’t come out to happens to walk in and wants to talk to me.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of thinking about gender all of the time.  I’m tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin or the clothes I want to wear.  I’m tired of seeing my old, grumpy, sad face reflecting back at me in the mirror.  I want to look younger and happy.  I’m tired of feeling afraid to be out in public in fear of running into someone I used to know before I transitioned and dealing with their shock or having to explain.  I want a fresh start in a new place where I can just be myself and not worry about going about my life.  I want to go to work and do my job without the fear of some old “friend” popping in to say hi and asking for Dawn.  I’m tired of being ashamed of myself and living in fear.

Maybe it’s just all getting to me today.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Wardrobe Malfunctions and General Grumpiness

  1. I have those days too, often… hell, who am I kidding – almost always – so I can emphatize. Inner peace is still on my wanted list. Hope you find it quickly and can guide me in that direction. Bear hugs, Shawn. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, it’s a roller coaster ride my friend, this thing called life. All you can do is hold on tight and try to do the best you can every day. Inner peace is for monks and people with too much time and money. And even they still have bad days. Take care my brother!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Well, this is good for me to hear, although I’m sorry you’re having these feelings. I think I’m putting all my hopes and dreams into top surgery–and I must realize that there will still be gender dysphoria after that. Once again, thanks for this post! Your feelings always resonate with me. Hang in there, brother!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think many of us think that top surgery will cure every problem we have but it doesn’t and it can create new ones, like my clothes not fitting me well anymore. I don’t have days like this very often thankfully. Now that I’ve had top surgery I’m hyper aware of my belly and that is causing me some grief I wasn’t really expecting. But that’s good because it motivates me to do something about it.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. When you say you don’t like your face, is it because of the changes from T?

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    • No, I like my face more now after being on T. I started not liking my face when I gained a lot of weight in my 40s and now that I’ve lot some of that weight I have some saggy skin and that really bugs me. I would like that to magically disappear but I don’t think it will.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I have a bad tendency to want to offer advice even when I feel empathy (or so Donna tells me when I try to solve her problems). So I feel for you.
    There is nothing wrong with having a basic uniform, as long as it fits – sounds like you need to go out shopping or have a box of stuff from Land’s End or Peter Manning or some other outfit with free shipping sent out to you to try on in smaller sizes. You may have to play around and send stuff back until you find a brand that isn’t too big/ long but wearing better fitting clothing (does not have to be expensive – my favorite T is a Lands End boys XL) definitely make me feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m always open to hear your advice, so don’t hold back. I definitely need some new shirts that fit better and gradually I am working on that, but I’m reluctant to go too crazy with it because I really want to work on losing my gut so I don’t want to invest a lot of money on clothes now to have to do it again in six months or a year. I don’t know about Peter Manning but I’ll check it out. Thanks for your empathy and advice.

      Liked by 1 person

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