Today’s post is a bit of a rant. I’m actually starting to feel like my old self again, which is good, but I’m also kind of in a grumpy mood today. I’ve been ruminating about something that was said to me by my brother’s care-taker shortly after I had my top surgery and the more I think about it the more ticked off it makes me. She told me that he was angry that I had surgery because A) His life sucks and he can’t do anything he wants and I always get to do whatever I want and B) I took this all too far. It’s part B that ticks me off. Part A is just typical childishness from a 66 year old boy who has the mental capacity of a thirteen year old. I’m not being mean (well maybe I am). It’s the truth though. Mentally, he is not right and doesn’t function without help. So why should part B bother me then?
The answer to why it bothers me so much is not that I really care what he thinks. I don’t. But the attitude that this is just some kind of bullshit game of dress up and pretend is something that I don’t get just from him but from other people in my life. I’m not naming names here, but I have heard that I won’t have the guts to do this (transition). That I never follow through with anything and this is just another thing that I’m using to desperately find happiness. There are people close to me who still are not using my male pronouns even though I have explicitly asked them to do so. These people are affecting how other people treat me since they are not leading the way. They are being supportive in a passive-aggressive kind of way. Supportive of this, but not of that. Picking and choosing what they’re comfortable with with little regard to how it makes me feel.
So when my brother says I took this too far, it hurts. When people who say they love me and support me don’t use my pronouns and still refer to me as a she to strangers and friends, it hurts. Seriously folks, this is not a fricking game I’m playing. I’m not pretending to be a trans man. I am a trans man. If it makes you uncomfortable that I am finally living my life on my terms that’s just too damned bad. I’m not apologizing. No one has ever apologized to me for making me feel uncomfortable being mis-gendered my entire life. No one has ever said, “I am so sorry that I made you feel like an outcast and a misfit because you just were not like the other little girls.” or “I’m sorry I forced you to live as a girl when you always knew that was wrong.” or “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you about what was wrong.” No, society will never apologize to us for the degrading and pathologizing and outcasting that they have done to any of us. They did nothing wrong. And, well, they didn’t really. They were just playing their scripts the way they were taught them without thinking it through. But their thoughtlessness hurt us and it’s still hurting us. Cis-gender people are so arrogant that they think they can tell me when enough is enough in my transition and actually have the audacity to get angry at me for over stepping what they think is far enough. Cis-gender people get angry when we impose our need to be seen and treated like who we are instead of what they want to see. We’re such an imposition on them. It’s too much work to remember new names and new pronouns. It’s just too hard! We ask too much and go too far with all this transition nonsense. After all, no one’s ever going to take us seriously as our true gender any way. Why are we wasting our time and making them so uncomfortable?
Because it’s time. It’s time to put an end to the cruelty and abuse of being forced to live and treated like someone we’re not and never have been. It’s time to end the brainwashing of cis-normative, hetero-normative society on our children and adults. It’s time to stand up and stake a claim for what is our birthright. I am beyond sick of other people telling me who and what I am. Those people don’t know me. Not really. They only know what they think they know or want to know. But they don’t really know who I am or they would never, ever call me she or tell me I’ve gone too far. I’ve known since I was a child that I wasn’t really a girl but I let them bully me into trying to conform to what they expected of me. No more! I have really gotten to a point in my life where other people’s comfort around who I am is not of any concern to me anymore. I have earned the right to not give a damn. We all have. Those people with the audacity to dictate to us what is enough and what is too much have no right to tell me anything is too much. They have not walked one minute in my shoes and they never will. Hell, they wouldn’t last a day if they tried. They think they understand. They don’t. They can’t. There’s no way they can understand that which is outside of their realm of understanding. But they can leave us alone to live our lives how we see fit and stop judging us and dictating to us and pretending to care until it gets too hard for them.