I guess I’m starting to pass more lately. I finally got my hairdresser to tweak my cut shorter on the back and sides and I’ve seen a pretty big jump in how many times I’m sirred throughout the day. That and more button up shirts seem to be doing the trick even without a binder. Like it or not, this is impacting Candace too. I needed new jeans because, thanks to a drug I’m on, I’ve lost some weight and my pants will literally fall down if I don’t wear a belt cinched up tight. It’s not a real attractive look and she’s been commenting about my baggy butt a lot lately. I needed her to go with me to approve of the fit because I know if I went alone I’d buy the first pair of pants that fit and then she’d still probably not be happy. So we went together the other day to shop for jeans and I used the men’s dressing room to try them on which is directly across from the cashier’s desk in this particular store. We settled on a couple of pairs along with some new shirts and Candace went to pay, since we were in a hurry, while I put stuff back and used the restroom. The cashier told her that we could save 20% if we used our store card to make the purchase. Candace told her that I had the card and referred to me as SHE. This confused the cashier who looked at her like she was crazy and kept saying “Who?” Plainly, she pegged me for a dude. But I was in the bathroom so I missed all of this and heard about it in the car. Eventually, Candace just told her not to worry about it and they worked out some coupon deal instead.
Then, yesterday the pharmacy finally had my syringes in stock and since Candace was going into town I asked her to pick them up for me. I found out this morning that the lady at the pharmacy referred to Candace as Mrs. MyLastName and referred to me as him. Oi! We get mail all the time with our names all mixed together and find it kind of humorous and even save some of them for a giggle. But this got me wondering how I’d feel if my identity was erased by some life changing stuff Candace was doing. We’ve talked quite a bit about whether if we ever choose to get legally married we’d change our last names. She’s pretty adamant that she wants to keep her last name for professional reasons. Her last name is recognizable in her industry because of her mom and she doesn’t want to lose that connection. I want to keep my last name because it connects me to my dad and I don’t want to lose that. I’ve suggested hyphenating our names but even that she’s not really willing to do. So, unless I take her last name we’re pretty much at a stalemate on this subject. I’m considering it. But, that aside, I can only imagine how it made her feel that the lady assumed she was my straight wife in our heterosexual relationship. If I hate being called ma’am could this be the equivalent for her? People thinking she’s crazy for calling me she and her and assuming she’s my het wife can’t make her feel good. Not only has she lost her lesbian identity but, probably more important to her, she might feel like she’s losing her personal identity as who she has always been. It’s really important to Candace for people to know her and respect her on her own merits. She’s a successful business woman and a lot of people know her in our community. For a stranger to call her Mrs. MyLastName probably really grated on her nerves.
It appears that we have crossed over a boundary or line where I’m looking male enough to pass and Candace and I have not caught up with that yet. I won’t make a huge assumption based on a few isolated situations but it’s looking like we’re getting closer to stepping over that line very soon. We’re going to have to have a serious talk about this soon. I don’t know her feelings about the events of the past few days and I’m assuming some stuff here. But I know her pretty well and can predict, based on things she’s said in the past, how this is making her feel.