Angry and Pissed Off

Some days the complexities of my transition crash into me everywhere I turn and I start feeling the anger rising up in me again.  Most of the time I live my life in a safe little bubble of familiarity and am immune to how huge this whole gender thing is for me.  I try to tell myself it’s really simple but it isn’t.  It’s simple if you’re cis-gender and have never had to think about your gender.  But for those of us who don’t have coordinated body/gender identities it’s not so simple.  In fact, it’s pretty damned complex.

I think a lot when I drive.  Sometimes I talk to myself, like there’s another me in the car or some trusted friend.  It’s a very stream of consciousness kind of thinking/talking thing and most of the time I’m not even aware I’m doing it.  Maybe I should mention this to my therapist.  Nah.  Sometimes a random person in their car makes me think certain things and gets me going on a mental tangent.  Yesterday (and this has happened before), I found myself looking around at people and getting angry and resentful that they haven’t had to deal with something as basic as their fucking gender like I have my entire life.  It’s the first thing we’re told when we’re born.  You’re a boy!  or You’re a girl!  And those three little words determine so much about the rest of our lives.  It’s such a basic fact about us that most people never give it much thought at all.  It makes me so angry that I have to think about it.  I’m sick of thinking about it.  Joe Blow standing on the side of the road hitching a ride isn’t thinking about his gender.  He’s thinking about getting a ride somewhere and whether the person who picks him up is going to be ok or not.  The guys riding around in the work truck aren’t thinking about their genders.  They’re thinking about going home at the end of the day.  The lady on her cell phone next to me at the red light isn’t thinking about her gender.  She’s thinking about….   God, I have no idea what she’s thinking about.  And then there’s me.  I’m thinking about my gender.  Always.  Constantly.

I’ve been trying to get my prescription for my T syringes filled at the pharmacy this week and every time I go to pick them up they tell me they still don’t have them in stock.  I want to blow up at the pharmacy person and act like an asshole.  But I don’t.  Yesterday the lady called me Mr. LastName.  I think that’s a first.  And I liked it.  But then, 30 minutes later the pharmacy called me to tell me the same thing that the lady at the drive up window had told me and she called me ma’am.  Different lady.  Different outcome.  I wanted to scream at her for calling me with NO NEWS and then punctuating her waste of my time with calling me ma’am.  It’s not their fault.

That’s the thing that’s the most infuriating about all of this.  It’s no one’s fault.  There’s no one for me to scream at or to punch in the face for fucking up my life having to deal with this bullshit.  Really, it’s bullshit.  Gender is a thing but why does it have to be such a concrete, unchangeable thing?  Why is it such a big fucking deal to change genders?  So the doctor was wrong the day you were born.  So what?  Fix it and move on.  But no.  Your fate is sealed in stone from that moment on.  It’s on your birth certificate and all of the announcements your parents sent out to friends and family.  From that moment on you either wear a pink ribbon or a blue ribbon in your hair for the whole world to see which gender you are.  It’s permanent, unchangeable, unless you want to completely turn your world upside down and freak out everyone you’ve ever known, live as a freak and have people not know what in the hell to call you.  Good luck if you go down THAT road.

I just want to be able to stand on the side of the road to hitch a ride and have everyone who passes me by know whether I’m pink or blue.  I want to pay for my coffee and not have to wonder or worry about what pronoun/honorific bullshit term they’re going to assign me.  I want to use the bathroom without worrying about whether someone will either call management or beat me up or worse.  I’m sick of thinking about this shit.  And it pisses me off that my whole life something as basic as gender has taken up so much head space.  I wonder what I could have accomplished in life and where I’d be today if I hadn’t had to deal with this gender crap.  Even if I wasn’t actively thinking or worrying about gender it was always there in the background controlling my destiny.  Can’t do this because of that but I can do this instead.  But I really want to do that other thing more.  No, you really shouldn’t do that because then they’ll expect you to do this thing you can’t stand to do.  Or, even worse, you can’t do or have that thing because you’re not supposed to do or have that thing because of the pink ribbon your momma put in your hair all those years ago.

I’m pissed.

I could have been an astronaut.  Or a race car driver.  Or a football player.  Or a dump truck driver.  Or a father.  Or a hitchhiker.

None of that matters now and that pisses me off too.  It’s too late to be thinking about any of that stuff.  Well, I guess I could still be a hitchhiker or a dump truck driver.  Ok, I guess I could be a race car driver too.  But you get what I’m saying.  I’m old.  Too old to ever be able to do a lot of the things I used to dream of doing but not old enough for people to ignore me or think it’s cute that I’m eccentric.  Whatever.  I just want to get up in the morning and know who and what I am and move about my day with ease and confidence and not have to worry or think about any of this gender stuff.

You know, when you start dealing with being transgender they make you go to a therapist to get a “diagnosis”.  That pisses me off too.  Fuck them.  Yes, I suffer from dysphoria and depression and anxiety.  Sure, go ahead and put that in my official diagnosis that you will submit to the insurance company or government agency depending on where one lives.  Here’s something else you can put in my file.  I’m filled with anger, rage and resentment because this is even a THING and it’s such a HUGE THING that it’s totally derailed my life, held me back and kept me from truly living fully.  Put that in there too because it’s probably just as important as the fact that I’m depressed.  In fact, it’s WHY I’m depressed.  I’m angry and there’s nothing I can do about it.  It’s why I’m anxious too, by the way.  All that pent up anger has no where to go.  And when you tell the therapist you’re angry she wants to send you to anger management classes or tells you to meditate.  This only makes me angrier.  The fact that this is classified as a mental disorder pisses me off as well.  It’s a medical issue.  We should be going to medical doctors.  They’re the ones that the therapists refer us to in the end.  Why do I have to spend money and time at a therapist’s office just to get “permission” to then go to a doctor?  Why does an M.D. need permission from a therapist to treat me?  It’s stupid.  We have a long way to go.

I really don’t know what to do with all of this anger.  I’m angry to my core.  And sad.  So sad.  Life is unfair.  Everyone has their crap to deal with.  Mine is gender.  The lady in the car next to me might be dealing with cancer.  I guess it could be worse, right?  Maybe I should be thankful that my biggest worry is whether someone will call me sir or ma’am.  I’m privileged to be able to concern myself this much with my gender presentation.  Intellectually I know this but I’m still angry.

This has been a long winded, self indulgent, childish rant and for that I apologize.  But, misery loves company so I figured that there’s probably someone out there who might enjoy joining me in my whining and bitching.  Life sucks sometimes and it’s unfair.  But, hey, that’s just the way it is so we might as well just keep moving along and keep doing the best we can every day.  Today I’m taking a mental health day from my life.  I need more rest and a day to recharge.  Tomorrow I’ll probably be in a much sunnier disposition.  Or not.  Now I’m off to go meditate.

 

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21 thoughts on “Angry and Pissed Off

  1. You have my miserable virtual company. Amen to all you have written. Blue, dammit, give us blue!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’ll gladly join in your misery, too. And please don’t apologise for the rant, I loved reading it. Many things resonated with me. And I hate pink too. Less now than a few years ago but still. Hate it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks John. Yeah I shouldn’t apologize. It’s just not my normal nature to write these kinds of things so it felt a little weird. Sorry it resonated with you but I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I hate pink. And white. I’m far more of a red, green or purple person myself. And my trans son loves pink. Likes fluffy animals and babies too. I’m proud of him whenever some ‘gender dysphoria specialist’ implies that in order to fit the label he must like blue, Batman and the military. Grrrr.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yeah, it sucks when they do that. I was pissed when a social worker interviewing me (because the gender clinics here do that) said that baking is “girl stuff”. I love baking. Good that your son has your support in his love for pink 😀

        Liked by 2 people

      • It would be nice if the people who are supposedly helping us would actually take an interest in gender and stop all the stereotyping in order to fit into their rigid little boxes.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. This is awesome…in a relatable cuz I’m miserable too kinda way lol. But seriously, you have a beautiful honesty in your angry writing that we can all relate too. And ya, we can compare the extent of our personal “issues” and deem cancer more serious then gender issues but who’s to say one is easier then the other? It’s all about your personal perception. I’m still wigging over shit that happened to me when and since I was born for pity’s sake. None of it’s fair! And it’s easy for someone else to say “get over it” and to them I say a hearty FUCK YOU! So ya..vent away my friend, but at the end of the day remember to look in the mirror and smile at that amazing person staring back at you cuz he’s a fucking rock star. The ribbon doesn’t define YOU. It never did. Anymore then my skin color defines me. I get the societal bullshit but honestly, society hasn’t had it right yet! It’s societal fucking guessing game and the ones who profess to have societal the answers are the ones most lost in the dark. At least you know there are still unanswered

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oops lol…premature send! ….. At least you know there is still the unanswered. That a real struggle exists with gender. You live it and breathe it…and represent it phenomenally! Yay you! So go on with your bad self! Keep shaking shit up. Something good is bound to fall out eventually! Hugz 🙌🙌🙌 and Oooommmm! Lol 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL I hate those premature sends! Thank you for all of the awesome things you said and for reading my post. It means a lot to me. I like the idea of being a rock star lol. I guess you’re right about the cancer thing. I think a lot of people think that’s the worst thing that can happen to you but I’m not sure that’s true after thinking about it more. The gender struggle has literally permeated every moderate to big decision I’ve made in life and I’m not sure that cancer usually does that. Sometimes I guess. I don’t know…they both suck and I wouldn’t wish either on other people. Actually the gender thing is fine and kind of beautiful in its own way if it weren’t for society and it’s rigidity. But like you said, Fuck society! Rock on girl!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pisses me off when those of use who want to pass, who want to be simply seen as “male” or “female”, are being increasingly derided by the rest of the (mostly American) transgender community, because they think we’re reinforcing the “gender norms” and “gender binary”. Last I checked, while some forms of mass media perpetuate a narrow definition of what’s male and female, most guys I know are much broader than that, yet are no less masculine. That’s where I hiss. I’m glad that dysphoria is being seen as an extent of what’s a medical problem, one with psychological and sociological issues that stem from it, rather than as something purely of the mind.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It pisses me off that I could have gotten a breast enhancement without getting a therapist letter, I could have gone on estrogen by asking for it from my gyn and complaining about hot flashes or dryness, but flip it the other way around and all of a sudden I’m a pathological mess.
    I’m also angry about how much I missed out on by having to suppress my transness, and how I will never get it back.
    When I look at the guys I work with who are also in their 50’s – a lot of them are train wrecks (wasting away again in Margaritaville) – but they miss being a guy in their 20’s, and I just miss being a guy…

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yep. I didn’t even mention that stuff but you’re absolutely right. At least the guys at work got to be young men once upon a time. We’ll never have that experience. More and more doctors are willing to work with us without a therapist’s letter but they’re still the exception. My endo that does my T doesn’t require a letter or anything and is really cool about all of it but he’s not typical. The doctor in NC that’s going to do my chest is the same way. Now, if we could just get insurance to cover it!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Your rant makes perfect sense to me. The first time I had a long talk about gender with someone I came home & slept for three hours – I hadn’t strained myself emotionally and mentally like that in years. A week after O had started presenting as a boy full-time I said to a group of trans people, “I’m EXHAUSTED! When do we get to stop thinking about gender all the fucking TIME?”
    You can guess the answer. Never. And I don’t even have to worry about my own gender presentation but two years later this is still an every day thing. While it’s different for me I fully realise at this point that I’ll never get out of the rabbit hole either.
    The other weird thing though is that although I’m heterosexual and cis these days I often prefer to hang around LGBTIQ folk. Struggling with your gender and sexuality doesn’t make you a better person in and of itself but I just tend to find LGBTIQ folk more sensitive AND more fun to be around. Maybe what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger?
    Anyway, I also enjoyed your honest, eloquent fury. I hope it was releasing and cleansing for you also xxx

    Liked by 4 people

    • It is exhausting. I’m curious if O thinks about gender as much as you do. It seems like the young ones sometimes are so busy with other things like school, friends, parties, etc that they don’t really have time to focus on it as much as their mum or some old fart like myself.

      I hope the day will come that neither of us has to think so much about gender. I really am sick of it and would like to just live my life without it constantly being on my mind. It is a fascinating subject but I don’t need to focus on it every moment of every day. My partner asked me one time if, after I have surgery and am done transitioning, I would stop reading and writing about gender constantly. You can probably guess my answer. I told her probably not.

      Anyway, glad you enjoyed my rant. Yes, it was fun to write and I do think it helped vent some of the anger and frustration.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Poor little O. He honestly didn’t think that his announcement was a big deal. Initially it was a huge relief and he thought he would just be able to get on with it. I always hope that I’m expending mental energy so he doesn’t have to but he’s caught up in the maelstrom like everyone, I fear.
        Interestingly (and encouragingly) other kids, including O’s sister, were quickly over the subject. They continue to not understand why the adults made such a fuss.
        I live in hope!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think younger people deal with this much better than older folks. O is really lucky to have such a supportive family. I wish that more kids were so lucky.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Just imagine cancer/ heart/ whatever patients having to go to a psychologist in order to access physical treatment…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Exactly! It’s ridiculous they put us through all of this BS. Here in the states there are more and more doctors who will prescribe hormones or do surgeries without therapist letters so things are improving here. My hormone doctor is really cool and has never needed any kind of letter or talked to a therapist on my behalf. He just talks to me like a human being and we decide together what I’m going to do. But he’s the exception and I’m really lucky to have him.

      Liked by 2 people

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