PBB…Pubescent Boy Brain

A couple of nights ago Candace made spaghetti for dinner.  After a few bites I asked her if she used a new sauce.  She hadn’t started eating yet because she is notoriously slow at prepping her food before she can start eating.  I call it “finessing” her food.  Didn’t want you to think I’m rude or anything but after 18 years of watching her take 15 minutes to get her food just right I don’t feel bad about starting before she does anymore.  Anyway, she said, “Yes.  Why?  Is it bad?”  I said, “No.  It’s just different.  Thicker and sweeter.”  Pretty mundane dinner conversation I know.  Hang with me.  Then I said it reminded me of Ragu and we talked about Ragu for a while.  I mentioned that when I was poor and single I always bought Prego brand.  Then I said Ragu pretty much sucks but the name is pretty fun to say.  And then I said Ragu a bunch of times.  A few minutes went by and I said, “Actually Prego is a fun word to say too.”  She looked at me and said there’s your male brain again and we laughed for a moment.  She told me that she was going to start calling me MB for Male Brain.  I told her it was more like a boy brain.  A pubescent boy brain.  I said she should call me PBB.  She thought that was too complicated.

Now, I know that little interchange might be cute if you’re sitting at our dinner table and not so cute if you’re reading about it three days later but it got me thinking.  My Life Coach, this guy, told me the other day that it’s like I’m going through puberty again and that I remind him of a teenage boy.  He’s a cis guy and really doesn’t know much at all about being transgender but he’s all about being your true you and we have a good relationship so he can joke around with me without worrying about offending me.  I told Candace he said that to me and she felt pretty good about herself for agreeing with Jeff who she knows I look up to.

Then there’s my taste in music.  I like a lot of different kinds of music and always have.  I can listen to anything and usually find something I enjoy…maybe with the exception of rap.  Sorry, I’m just too old to be able to appreciate it as music.  Growing up I liked Billy Joel, Supertramp, Jethro Tull, Men at Work, Earth Wind and Fire and a host of other groups.  Mostly I was a big Billy Joel fan.  I liked his dark, moody side.  Once he got all happy and married Christie Brinkley I fell off the Billy Joel wagon.  I just couldn’t listen to Uptown Girl without gagging.  I hated heavy metal music as a teenager or as we called it back then, Hard Rock.  But now, all of a sudden, I’m really digging some hard rock music.  I’ve newly discovered a liking for ACDC and Rush and find myself listening a lot to the 70s channel or the classic rock channel.   I find it interesting that I’m attracted to the music of my teenage years again, especially some of the stuff I would never have listened to back then as a girl.  I seem to really like loud, powerful, masculine music these days.  I still like pop stuff too like Megan Trainer, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift.  What’s not to like?  They’re fun and cute songs.  I’m actually a huge Gaga fan and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I can listen to jazz or classical too if I’m in the mood.  I keep the 40’s channel on pre-set in my truck as well so sometimes I roll with some big band music.  But, at heart, I’m a rock guy.  And speaking of Heart, they’re awesome too.

Anyway, my brain is doing some strange stuff these days.  I’m not so bad that I giggle if I burp or fart but I wouldn’t be surprised if that started any day now.  I won’t bore you with the sexual stuff that pops into my crazy head.  You wouldn’t want to know about it.  Let’s just say that sometimes I freak myself out a little bit, especially coming from a feminist background.  T is a powerful hormone.  The body changes are profound but the brain changes are equally, and maybe more, surprising.  Learning to control and harness this brain of mine is a daily challenge but also a pretty wild ride to be enjoyed.

 

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12 thoughts on “PBB…Pubescent Boy Brain

  1. I’m a bit worried about what my already crazy mind will do on T. Maybe not so much for the thoughts itself, that might just be amusing, but for if I can contain them. It’s one thing what I have in my brain, it’s a different thing what comes out and how my family perceive it.

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    • I’m hoping this pubescent faze is temporary to be honest. It’s not exactly fun to feel this way in my 50s, or to have acne either, though that’s never fun. I’m in year two on T and just noticing this shift. My initial T reaction mentally was calm and optimism that I hadn’t had before and I still have that. I wouldn’t worry Fredric. Just be yourself and enjoy watching you emerge and grow up to be the man you are meant to be. It really is an amazing experience.

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  2. Well, damn, enjoy you PBB, some of us are jealous of it! Have fun, Shawn!

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  3. No need to here online, Shawn. Be yourself and let us know how you feel. As I said to Fredrik, your tribe is here for you. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is an awesome post. Slightly concerned about Billy Joel and Heart, although I liked them too … When I was 14. Thinking of – you might enjoy some Aussie ‘pub rock’- Cold Chisel, Hunters and Collectors, Midnight Oil – it’s all kind of sweat, singlets & beer music :).

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  5. Oh, my goodness. The little things you notice going through this “second puberty” are kinda wonderful at times, aren’t they? I’m glad you are able to enjoy and laugh about some of them. I remember being quite horrified by the first puberty I went through. It’s so much less traumatic this time around!

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    • I am enjoying puberty much more this time through. I just wish I had youth in my corner as well. But, on the other hand, being a grown up has its rewards. I can afford to buy myself the toys I dreamed of as a teenager.

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  6. Hello Shawn, I have an appointment with a trans-practitioner(?) late next month and will be evaluated for T. My partner of 16 years is concerned what T will do to my psyche. I’m feeling pubescent w/o it and hope my body and brain meet in the middle somewhere. I put it as: having the molecules in my brain match what I’m feeling physically. Being PPB is extremely comfortable to me. Thanks for the acronym… Sam.

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    • Glad I could help. Good luck with your appointment. Everyone reacts differently to T so who knows how you’ll feel on it. Only way to know is to do it. I understand your partner’s concerns. Mine was worried that I’d be full of rage and become mean but that didn’t happen. I do feel sudden bursts of anger occasionally but you learn quickly to control that. Being on T has helped me understand why men fight so much and obsess about sex. Your doctor will not start you on a full dose right away so your body and brain have a chance to get used to it. Enjoy the ride!

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      • Hi. Am just seeing your comment, Shawn. Thank you! I am not full of rage now so I don’t anticipate full blown anger sessions. As you mention, the doctor will know what to do and I am carefully putting ‘me’ in their hands and am looking forward to the ride!.

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