It might seem strange but I attended my first lesbian wedding this past Saturday. Actually it was a vow renewal for a couple who’ve been together over 30 years and had a Quaker wedding about 19 years ago before it was legally recognized so it wasn’t exactly a wedding in the true sense of the word. We didn’t know anyone attending other than the brides and social situations like that always make me a little nervous. I also chose this occasion to don my best dapper outfit and wore a bow tie. The night before the wedding I watched a YouTube video and learned how to tie my new and first bow tie. I was proud of myself! After doing it about 6 times I felt confident enough to go it alone without the aid of the video. Thank you nice British guy for explaining it so thoroughly to me. This was the first time I had the nerve to wear a tie out in public since the 1980s when I often donned a skinny tie (which I still own). As I walked out of the hotel towards the door I pulled my shoulders back and and told myself to be a proud butch. I’m not out to the wedding couple yet. We’re not that close and I just haven’t gotten around to telling them yet and I decided that their wedding day wasn’t the best day to do it so I went as my old self and was assumed to be a lesbian by all of the guests. We were fortunate enough to sit next to a very nice gay couple for the dinner part and I think we made new friends so that’s pretty cool. I had a great time after I relaxed.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) is surgery day for my hysterectomy. I’m a little anxious just because of all the unknown with any kind of procedure like this but, in general, I’m feeling good about it. Of course I’m dreading the morning of stuff where you can’t eat or drink anything since I’m a coffee hound and have a little addiction to Nicorette gum. Actually, it’s a big addiction but I’m hopeful that a patch will get me through the morning without being too much of a zombie. I should’ve quit it a long time ago. I quit smoking almost 10 years ago now so I feel embarrassed that I’m still addicted to nicotine, but I am. That’s a topic for a different post. Thanks to genderneutral for suggesting a good book to read and a meditation CD for surgery preparation I’m feeling pretty calm about everything. Nothing left to do but pack my little bag and go to the hotel tonight so we can get to the hospital bright and early tomorrow morning. I can’t really believe the time is finally here. It feels a little surreal. I’ve said many times that I wanted to do this but it’s strange how when the reality of it hits I find myself wondering if it’s really what I want. Self doubt? Yep, got plenty of that to go around. But I’m sure. At least as sure as you can be for a mostly elective surgery. Any time you have surgery there is risk and I’m betting on it going great and being really happy with how I feel after this is all over. Part of my anxiety is caused by my surgeon not being able to 100% guarantee that she can do this the laporascopic way. Again, I’m betting that she can even though she said the chance was only “greater than 50%”. Eeeks! I would’ve liked better odds than that but it’s what I got. How much greater than 50%? Like, 50 +40%? Or is it more like 51%? She wouldn’t say. I like to know things like this. It makes me feel uneasy not knowing. And the difference determines how long I’ll have to stay in the hospital. Mentally, I’m not really giving any space to the idea that I might have to stay a few days. Hopefully I will be too drugged up to care if that happens. Anyway, I’m less than 24 hours away now from my first transition surgery and I’m excited…and a tad anxious.