One Step at a Time

This was to be my year to take care of a lot of surgery and general health care things that I’ve been putting off for a long time and so far I think I’m doing a pretty good job of staying that course.  I decided to start out with the easiest stuff (none of it is easy or I would’ve done it already!) first and work up to my chest surgery as the grand finale for the year.  Unfortunately it takes a lot of time to get all the details worked out and go for all of the preliminary appointments to get to the main event so it’s taken me three months to get to my first target.  First on my list was having my “wisdom” teeth removed and despite a pretty nasty little snow storm that threatened to delay me I was able to have all four of them removed in my regular dentist’s office last Thursday morning.  It was my first time having nitrous oxide, aka “laughing gas”, and I was nervous about it but even with the nerves I felt a calm that surprised me.  These teeth have been giving me problems for many years now and my doc has been pleading with me to get them out.  When he told me they could do it in their office now and I wouldn’t have to go to a surgeon I was ready to sign up.  And I’m glad i did.  It’s a little thing but I was elated to finally get that taken care of.  The worst part for me is being drugged up on pain meds.  I do not like that feeling and I’ve done a lot of sleeping because of it.  I’m hoping that today (day 4) I can just take ibuprofen and feel somewhat normal in my head.  So far so good.

Next on my list is the hysterectomy.  That is scheduled for March 31st.  Thanks to my therapist I was able to find a trans friendly ob/gyn who works with trans guys in order to get their lady bits removed without any hassles.  I’m stoked for this surgery!  I’ve had to endure two uncomfortable and one painful procedures to get here and I still have a few pre-op tests to get through before the 31st but I think the worst is behind me now.  I can’t really describe to anyone how much this means to me.  I’ve had this irrational (maybe not so irrational?) fear of pregnancy for so long and have experienced so much pain and agony at the hands of my lady parts, and still do even at 53 years old, that the thought of removing that from my life for good is more than words can express for me.  I can feel them in there doing their thing and I hate it.  I don’t really hate them but, to me, they just never belonged inside me and should have been removed a long time ago.

Hopefully this procedure will go well and will be an out patient type of thing.  My doctor is hoping to be able to perform a laparoscopically assisted vaginal hysterectomy which means I should not need to stay overnight in the hospital and can go home later that same day.  There won’t be any outward sign to the world that I’ve had this surgery but internally I know that it will make a huge difference in how I feel about my body and my self.  I wanted to do this before I had any gender markers changed on insurance or IDs so it would go smoothly and without questions from anyone in authority.

The next big step will be chest surgery.  Believe it or not, I’m still struggling mentally with that one, which is part of why I’m saving it for last.  I know I want it done.  I know I want a male chest.  I know I’ll look and feel better without the moobs.  But there’s a psychological aspect that I just haven’t quite worked through yet around this subject and until I do I don’t feel right setting up a surgery date.  I’m close…I think.  Part of the resistance for me is that I think that removal of my breasts is my last vestige of womanhood.  Crazy, huh?  If I’m a trans guy why do I want to keep that?  Everyone will finally see me as the guy I am.  That’s my thinking anyway.  The truth is that some will and some won’t.  I know this intellectually.  Emotionally I feel like the removal of the breasts and construction of a male chest is the last piece of my female facade or mask and I will be very vulnerable, naked without them.  They help to hide my true self.  This is both good and bad, depending on how you look at it.  I’m a pretty big wuss when it comes to conflict and I hate being the center of attention so stripping my psyche naked for the whole world to see is kind of scary.  Terrifying maybe?  I wish I was braver and surer of myself.  I think that will come in time when I’m ready emotionally.  So, for now, I work on it and keep chipping away at the facade little by little.

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19 thoughts on “One Step at a Time

  1. Wow, way to be proactive! I bet you’ll be able to see chest surgery a little clearer once you’ve gotten through your hysterectomy…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If ur open to alternative healing practices u might check out the book and CD “prepare for surgery, heal fasrer”. I have used it wit my hysterectomy and top surgery and all my docs were shocked at my recovery time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like you are getting the 60,000 mile servicing.

    When I had my hysterectomy my surgeon went on and on about how she was going to cut below the “bikini line” so that the scar wouldn’t show. It was all I could do to keep myself from telling her that I wore speedo one piece swim suits in the pool, and board shorts in the ocean, and there was no “bikini line” to be concerned about.

    If you need a cheering section for getting top surgery, I’ll volunteer. I only have positive stuff to say about it. Best thing ever.

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    • It feels more like a 100,000 mile servicing haha. If all goes well I shouldn’t have but two tiny little scars and I’m not concerned about those at all. I have never worn a bikini in my life and don’t plan to start any time soon. The very picture of it in my mind is simultaneously hilarious and terrifying.

      I know you’re really happy with your top surgery and I want to be happy with mine too. I just want to feel the same excitement about it that I do this hysterectomy and right now I feel like there’s something blocking that that I need to work through.

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  4. Not everyone needs top surgery. If you feel like its more an obligation than a positive prospect, you are within your rights to put it off til such time when/if you’re ready.

    A friend of mine got their wisdom teeth pulled and is scheduled for top surgery in a couple months. I said: “getting rid of all the unnecessary things, huh?”

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    • Haha I like your comment about getting rid of unnecessary things. I don’t feel at all pressured to have top surgery. It’s something that I truly want for myself but there’s some piece missing that will give me the peace I’m looking for to move forward with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Rooting for you all the way, from teeth to moobs. You’ll know when you are ready, but I will join Jamie in the cheering section for having that top surgery. Your pavilion of supporters is filling up! 🙂

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  6. My insurance will cover the chest and hysterectomy parts without any issue once I turn 30, as far as I know. (So I plan to get those once I graduate next summer; I plan to take a semester off before transferring to another college to get them, and heal, so my education isn’t interrupted.) It’s going to be the reconstructive parts I will have to still somehow seek funds for.

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    • Sounds like you have a good plan Cai. Good luck in school and all you do.

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      • Ironically may be reconsidering that. Wondering if I want to still go into computer science, or work hard through the ranks and become a store manager for Starbucks someday. Has been for far longer a dream of mine to be a professional barista than to be a programmer; I just tried pursuing the latter because it makes more money. I’m just way more passionate about coffee than computers. Choices!

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  7. Cai, my advice is to follow your dream. Starbucks is a good company and might offer you great pay and benefits if you can move up its ladder into management. You may want to look into what they will require for a management position and move in that direction with your education if it’s even necessary. One of the great things about a national chain like Starbucks is that they are everywhere so you can be move if you want to. You will be a whole lot happier if you are passionate about what you’re doing for a living.

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  8. It sounds like you are on the right track and approaching each step with a clear mind and good thinking.

    It’s great that you will be able to have the hysterectomy done that way. I’m sure it is a much quicker recovery and probably a lot less painful.

    Liked by 1 person

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