It’s the Testosterone: What Straight Women Should Know

Matt Kailey's Tranifesto

Testosterone setupWhenever I speak at a college class (which I did this week), I inevitably get the question about testosterone and sex drive (because college kids are still young enough to be thinking about sex most of the time).

And I tell them the truth, which is that, at least for me and most guys I know, testosterone sends your sex drive straight through the roof and beyond the stratosphere. NASA should honestly use it for fuel to get those rockets (which are really just larger-than-life phallic symbols) to the moon. It is a very powerful aphrodisiac, and way better than oysters, which tend to be slimy.

Testosterone not only increased my sex drive ten-fold, but changed the nature of it as well. It became less diffuse and more goal-oriented, which is probably how the word “score” entered the sexual lexicon. It also, in certain situations, became less about any other…

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Handle With Care

friday fuzz

I would like to offer some words of advice to anyone who has had someone they know and/or love come out as transgender. I am drawing on my own experience as the mother of a transgender child. I’m not saying that this is all you have to do. I’m not saying if you do this life will be all happiness and rainbows. I am saying is that these things will make a difference. Of that I’m sure. What I will tell you is that there are many people who are no longer a major part of our lives (meaning my children, husband me) and this is a choice that they have made. Maybe if they had done a few of these things, my children would have more extended family in their lives and my son’s life, especially, wouldn’t be so darn small. (“Why don’t you tell them?” I can hear you asking. My answer- done it…..more than…

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I Miss Matt Kailey

We lost a great trans brother and educator last year when Matt Kailey suddenly passed away in his sleep of heart failure.  I looked forward to his weekly “Ask Matt” emails in my inbox and even wrote in one time myself to get his opinion on a question I had.  I could always rely on Matt for an honest, sometimes witty and completely fair opinion on matters of importance to my heart.  I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that Matt’s voice is sorely missed.  His book Just Add Hormones was one of the first transgender books I read and the only one I re-read a few years later.  I began blogging because of Matt.  I came to WordPress because this is the site Matt used.  I figured if it was good enough for him it was good enough for me.  I wasn’t wrong in that assessment.

If you don’t know who Matt Kailey was you can learn more about him here.  His obituary can be found here.  And if you’d like to check out his vast amount of blog entries that discuss everything you can imagine about being trans*  here is his website.  I highly recommend checking it out.

I worry about what will happen to his website now that he’s no longer here to monitor it.  I’m pretty sure it’s one of those premium accounts you have to pay money to have and I wonder if anyone has the ability to get into the account and update it.  My fear is that one day it will be taken down because no one paid the subscription fee.  I’m hoping I’m wrong about this.  Either way, I’ve decided that every Thursday I will post a selection from his site on my blog to share with my followers.

So, without further delay, here is my first Matt Kailey excerpt: It’s Time to Lose ‘I Didn’t Choose’ (to be Transgender)

Hysterectomy. The Other Bottom Surgery

***Possible trigger warning.  I actually don’t know if this can be triggering for anyone or not but if you’re at all squeamish about blood or female sex organs you might want to skip this post.

In 6th grade my science teacher was tasked with the responsibility of teaching us all about our sex organs and how they worked.  I had no idea all that stuff was inside me and really hoped that somehow I had been skipped when God handed out uteruses and ovaries.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t been.  At some point soon after the class ended all the girls started asking each other if they had “started” yet.  I think this is the point in time when I finally realized I couldn’t ignore being born female anymore.  I remember the look of astonished disgust on one girl’s face when I told her no I hadn’t “started” yet.  I couldn’t understand why she cared and I still really don’t understand it, but, eventually I could honestly hold my head high and say “Yes, I am now a WOMAN like the rest of you because I bleed every month.  Now go mind your own business please.”

My female reality hit hard and regularly along with cramps, mood swings and a general feeling that I’d been taken over by hostile aliens a good portion of each month. As I got older, into my 20s and 30s the mood swings and cramps would bring me to tears and missed time at work.  It effected my relationships.  I would pick fights with girlfriends just to relieve some of the awful anger I felt inside.  I was a monster to be around.

If I’d been more educated back then about this stuff maybe I could’ve spared both myself and my mates some anguish and a lot of pain.  But I was partly in denial and partly just uneducated about any of it.  Yes, I had sex education in 6th grade but I knew nothing of ob/gyn appointments, hormones or hysterectomies.  I had been super paranoid about becoming pregnant since a young age.  I guess my mom planted that seed somehow but more than that I now believe it was dysphoria.  The thought of me ever becoming pregnant was something that I would avoid at all costs.  Of course I am pro choice because there was no way in hell I’d ever allow myself to go through pregnancy.  If I’d known I could get all that stuff removed back then I would’ve done it in a heart beat, though I doubt I could have talked anyone into doing it without a medical reason.

At this point in my life I thought I was done with all of that monthly stuff.  Being on T had stopped the light stuff I was still experiencing occasionally.  Once in a while I’d get a little twinge of cramps and my uterus would remind me it was still there or a spot of blood would show up unexpectedly.  Recently the blood and cramping has increased, though I’m still on T, and that has me freaked out.  All I really want is to forget that it’s there but it won’t let me.  So now I’m on a mission to fix this once and for all and eject the unwanted and probably unhealthy bits completely from my life.  My therapist helped me locate on ob/gyn that works with trans men and I went to see her last week.  She’s putting me through a couple screening test which are NO fun but necessary and then hopefully we can get the hysterectomy scheduled soon.

From the beginning, a hysterectomy was on my list of transition related surgeries.  I always thought I would get it done first before it was just too weird for a guy to see those doctors. I get why this topic isn’t discussed more in the trans man community because a lot of us are kind of wigged out about it and just want to ignore it and forget about it.  But I think it’s important to discuss.  It’s not that easy to just walk into a doctor’s office and say you want these parts removed without a medical issue to warrant it, especially for younger guys.  And then there’s the whole sterilization issue to consider.  Once that stuff is gone you can not bear children.  So if I was younger and still had functioning ovaries I’d consider freezing eggs.  For most of my life I confused the dysphoria  of bearing a child myself with the desire to be a parent so I would tell you I didn’t want to have kids when I really meant I didn’t want to bear my own kid.  Now that I’ve separated the two things in my mind I realize that I would like to have children and be a parent if the opportunity ever came my way.

So, for me there’s a host of reasons for wanting to remove these unwelcome bits.  I don’t want to have to think about them anymore.  I don’t want to have to keep getting that stuff checked out regularly.  I don’t want the health risks involved with them being in my body.  I don’t want to deal with the by-products of having them and most importantly I just don’t feel like they ever belonged in me in the first place.  So they need to go.