***Possible trigger warning. I actually don’t know if this can be triggering for anyone or not but if you’re at all squeamish about blood or female sex organs you might want to skip this post.
In 6th grade my science teacher was tasked with the responsibility of teaching us all about our sex organs and how they worked. I had no idea all that stuff was inside me and really hoped that somehow I had been skipped when God handed out uteruses and ovaries. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been. At some point soon after the class ended all the girls started asking each other if they had “started” yet. I think this is the point in time when I finally realized I couldn’t ignore being born female anymore. I remember the look of astonished disgust on one girl’s face when I told her no I hadn’t “started” yet. I couldn’t understand why she cared and I still really don’t understand it, but, eventually I could honestly hold my head high and say “Yes, I am now a WOMAN like the rest of you because I bleed every month. Now go mind your own business please.”
My female reality hit hard and regularly along with cramps, mood swings and a general feeling that I’d been taken over by hostile aliens a good portion of each month. As I got older, into my 20s and 30s the mood swings and cramps would bring me to tears and missed time at work. It effected my relationships. I would pick fights with girlfriends just to relieve some of the awful anger I felt inside. I was a monster to be around.
If I’d been more educated back then about this stuff maybe I could’ve spared both myself and my mates some anguish and a lot of pain. But I was partly in denial and partly just uneducated about any of it. Yes, I had sex education in 6th grade but I knew nothing of ob/gyn appointments, hormones or hysterectomies. I had been super paranoid about becoming pregnant since a young age. I guess my mom planted that seed somehow but more than that I now believe it was dysphoria. The thought of me ever becoming pregnant was something that I would avoid at all costs. Of course I am pro choice because there was no way in hell I’d ever allow myself to go through pregnancy. If I’d known I could get all that stuff removed back then I would’ve done it in a heart beat, though I doubt I could have talked anyone into doing it without a medical reason.
At this point in my life I thought I was done with all of that monthly stuff. Being on T had stopped the light stuff I was still experiencing occasionally. Once in a while I’d get a little twinge of cramps and my uterus would remind me it was still there or a spot of blood would show up unexpectedly. Recently the blood and cramping has increased, though I’m still on T, and that has me freaked out. All I really want is to forget that it’s there but it won’t let me. So now I’m on a mission to fix this once and for all and eject the unwanted and probably unhealthy bits completely from my life. My therapist helped me locate on ob/gyn that works with trans men and I went to see her last week. She’s putting me through a couple screening test which are NO fun but necessary and then hopefully we can get the hysterectomy scheduled soon.
From the beginning, a hysterectomy was on my list of transition related surgeries. I always thought I would get it done first before it was just too weird for a guy to see those doctors. I get why this topic isn’t discussed more in the trans man community because a lot of us are kind of wigged out about it and just want to ignore it and forget about it. But I think it’s important to discuss. It’s not that easy to just walk into a doctor’s office and say you want these parts removed without a medical issue to warrant it, especially for younger guys. And then there’s the whole sterilization issue to consider. Once that stuff is gone you can not bear children. So if I was younger and still had functioning ovaries I’d consider freezing eggs. For most of my life I confused the dysphoria of bearing a child myself with the desire to be a parent so I would tell you I didn’t want to have kids when I really meant I didn’t want to bear my own kid. Now that I’ve separated the two things in my mind I realize that I would like to have children and be a parent if the opportunity ever came my way.
So, for me there’s a host of reasons for wanting to remove these unwelcome bits. I don’t want to have to think about them anymore. I don’t want to have to keep getting that stuff checked out regularly. I don’t want the health risks involved with them being in my body. I don’t want to deal with the by-products of having them and most importantly I just don’t feel like they ever belonged in me in the first place. So they need to go.