Clarity and Vulnerability

I don’t have any one thing to talk about today and nothing exceptionally earth shaking to discuss so this post will just serve as an update on what I’ve been up to for the past month.

Candace and I went up to Niagara Falls, NY for a much anticipated family wedding and spent the week up there using it as an excuse to take a  mini vacation.  Straight weddings are always an ordeal for me to figure out what to wear but this one wasn’t so bad.  The only dilemma I had really was which shirt to wear and whether to ‘push the river’ by wearing a tie with my men’s trousers and sport jacket.  I decided against the tie and ended up wearing a blue shirt to coordinate with Candace’s blue dress.  I looked casually dapper and felt pretty good about it.  The only comment I got was from my brother in law who thought I looked sharp and liked my jacket.  I believe, though I didn’t take a conscious poll at the event, that I was the only female bodied person there wearing pants.

It’s interesting how events like this make me feel so hyper aware of how different I am from other “women”.  I feel very out of place.  Yet, the really interesting part is that the men seem to “get” me and accept me as one of them.  They shake my hand instead of that fake hug thing that they do with women and sometimes they call me “dude”.  I really appreciate when the other guys see me and accept me.  It makes all that discomfort worth it.  All in all, it was a fun wedding and I had a good time helping my brother in law embarrass my niece (his daughter) on the dance floor.

Being so close to Canada we decided to drive over the border for a day and see the falls from a different, and I must say, better, perspective.  Of course, you have to go through Customs to get in and out of both countries.  Getting into Canada, the customs agent, who had just looked at our passports, asked us if we were carrying any weapons.  We both said no, but obviously he didn’t hear me over in the passenger seat and said, “how about you, sir?”  Nope, I even left my trusty pocket knife home so it didn’t get confiscated.  As we drove off, Candace said, “he called you sir”.  I said, “yep, he must not have paid much attention to my passport”.  But of course, I was smiling inside about it.  Canada was beautiful and clean and we really liked it over there.  It was a nice day.

Since we’ve been home for about a week I’ve been back to working on how to proceed with my transition which means trying to decide on a name.  I believe my hunt for a name that I feel good about is finally over.  I had decided I was going to use the male name my parents picked out, but it’s actually a very feminine name and just didn’t feel quite right to me.  So I kept looking and I devised a list of my top picks for my friends to comment on.  Their comments were interesting and entertaining, but on the whole not all that helpful.  I ended up picking Shawn.  It contains part of my birth name and has the same basic sound to it as I’m used to hearing but it has a much more masculine slant.  It feels right.  I’ve been waiting for that feeling to come over me about a name.  Plus, there are some famous Sean/Shaun/Shawn’s that I really like…notably Sean Astin who played Rudy in the movie “Rudy” which is one of my favorites.  I like the whole ‘underdog who accomplishes the impossible’ thing.  It speaks to me about my own experiences in life and makes me feel empowered.

Now that the name is settled I’m planning to come out to the harder people in my life.  I’ve come out to the easy ones so far.  Easy, meaning that I was pretty sure they’d be accepting and cool and if they weren’t it wouldn’t ruin my year.  Now I need to have the conversation with the people who, if they react badly, will be big losses to me.  I’m feeling nervous about it but generally think it will go fairly well.  I’m expecting some surprise out of a few but it should go ok in the end.  Wish me luck!

The process of picking my name actually was very helpful in solidifying why I’m transitioning and what it actually means for me.  I think this clarity is really helpful as I begin the process of exposing my true self to my world and coming out.  I realized that part of my fear in coming out is that I will feel naked.  The male part of me has been hidden and dismissed for so long that to shed light on it feels like a very vulnerable thing for me to do.  This is my soft underbelly that I’ve been hiding and protecting  with my hard outer shell of armor all these years.  Very few people have ever touched this part of me and I can tell you that it is very sensitive.  I see my transition as a merging of my female bodied persona with my true inner male persona to create a new, improved, hybrid version of myself.  The name, Shawn, is like that too.  It’s a morphed, hybrid version of my birth name.   Unlike many who transition, I don’t see this as a death of my female but a merging and rebirth.  For me, this image gives me peace and clarity and purpose.   I can’t ask for much more than that!

Happy Pride!

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Clarity and Vulnerability

  1. Shawn is a great name, and if it feels right it is right. I hope Candace is ready for it. It took Donna a few months to get used to calling me Jamie – but eventually it rolled off her tongue naturally. The only time she “oops” is if she is calling to me from another room or if she is exasperated with me sometimes the old name pops out by accident.

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  2. Thanks Jamie. I like it too. Reminds me of how you chose your name a bit. After reading your story I had a feeling that mine would come to me in a similar fashion. As far as Candace is concerned, she is anxious for me to take a stand and either do this or put it to rest forever. So it’s really up to her what she does. I’ve come to peace about my part of it.

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  3. Great choice in a name! And good luck with those next conversations. Since my son was away at school when he came out, I was the one to tell family members. I know how hard those conversations can be! I also know that for Kris, having his name chosen was a big help. The thing to remember, as I’m sure you already know, is that the people who are really with you, will be there. It might surprise you who’s around.

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    • Kat, thank you for your encouragement. I am really concerned about “those conversations” and still working out how I’m going to proceed. It will be very interesting to see who is with me in the end and stick by me. I’m sure I will be surprised. Your son is lucky to have such a great mom.

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      • I think I’m the lucky one.

        Those conversations can suck. And you might not know at first who is with you- it sometimes takes people a little time to sort out how they feel- especially if this is all new to them. The ones who stay by your side- they are more precious than anyone else in the world.

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  4. Congrats on finding your name, and good luck with coming out to those important people!

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