I feel like I need to write in my journal but instead I’ve decided to share some of what’s in my head on here. There’s a lot swirling around in my noggin these days. I realized a while back that the thing holding me back from transitioning was not my partner or society or my doctors but ME. And fear. Oh, and that in doing so I may very well have to start a new life on my own without a support system. Why can I never be the person who’s family rallies behind them and cheers them on and jumps on the band wagon of their causes? I guess most of us don’t get that kind of support but when I see a parent or a spouse who is supportive I sure get a dichotomy of emotions inside me. I’m happy for the person they’re supporting but I also feel that twinge inside of wishing it was me getting the support I so desperately desire….as do we all out here in the land of “other”.
So I know that if I just decided to do it I could probably have my transition well under way by the end of the summer and at least be scheduled for top surgery if not have it completed. Money is a bit of an issue but not a complete obstacle. I could up my dose of T and start looking more masculine very soon. But while I am tempted to stomp on the accelerator I still have my foot on the break. That’s frustrating.
The other thing I ruminate about a lot these days is my name. I really want to use the name my dad picked for me if I’d been born a boy but it’s actually kind of a girl’s name and I just can’t get totally excited about it. I think about using the masculine name of my birth name and I don’t hate it but, again, sometimes it just doesn’t feel right. I’ve picked names that I like but others tell me they think they don’t fit or remind them of someone they don’t like. I just don’t know what to do about a name. I wish I was one of those people who’ve always had a name that they loved and just use that. I haven’t. There are names that I like and some that I really don’t like but nothing has jumped out as MY name yet. How many baby name websites do I need to go through to find the right name? I get frustrated and think that I should just use the name dad picked for me. He’s long ago deceased as is my mother so there’s no asking them for suggestions.
I think about coming out to certain members of the family and certain close friends but I worry that without the name chosen I’m just wasting my time. I want to be able to tell them this is my new identity and I want you to start calling me ___________. So I wait.
And then there is my partner. She is still adamant that she will not stay with me if I transition. Unlike in my early life, losing my partner of 17 years is not just about losing the relationship. We’ve built a life together, I love her family, we have a home together that I cherish and pets that I adore. I will lose most if not all of that if I transition. She wants me to make the sacrifice for the relationship to stay together. I want her to support me no matter what I choose to do even if that means we can’t make the relationship work in the end. I need her support. She’s my best friend. I love her and want her beside me as I traverse this new territory. I’m so conflicted about all of it. And scared.
But inside me there is a storm brewing. I can feel the wind picking up and the thunder is getting closer every day. I wonder how much longer until the eye of this storm is upon us and there will be no more hiding and denying. I have moments in many of my days when I feel hopeless and worry that I can’t continue like this. I don’t want this to get to a life or death situation but I fear that it is going to come to that. I just wish I could pick a damned name out and stick with it.