For a while now I’ve been fond of telling myself that life would’ve been so much easier if I had just been born male. I catch my mind ruminating over how that life would have looked and where I might have ended up if my birth certificate was blue instead of pink. I imagine all kinds of nice “what ifs” and a perfect life with the perfect wife and 2.5 kids. Pretty boring, really, but it would have been easier for sure in many ways.
But the other day I realized that what I really desire and yearn for is not “easier”. What I want is less complicated. My life has been complicated in so many ways because of my gender misalignment and sexuality. It has probably been harder too but I’m ok with hard. Everyone’s life has its challenges so to expect an easy life is unreasonable. But complicated is different. I think a less complicated life would make for a more peaceful life. I was reminded of a comment my mother made to me many years ago (when my life was actually a LOT less complicated than it is today) that she wished my life wasn’t so complicated. What made her think that I’m not sure at this point but she was right. It’s always been more complicated than it needed to be.
I like to day dream. Lately my day dreams take me to a life of complete freedom. I dream of buying a camper van and setting it up to live in, moving my bare essentials into it and hitting the road for adventure. In other words, I dream of escaping my complicated and stressful life. A fresh start where I am the only thing I have to worry about and I can just be me. This isn’t the first time I’ve had these dreams. I’ve had similar dreams of running away from home most of my life. I think it’s a sign that I’m scared and overwhelmed and maybe a little bored too.
I guess everyone’s life is hard and complicated in some ways. We’re all struggling with something and want things we don’t currently have. That’s just life. But when your whole identity is out of alignment and you’re invisible, that’s a whole other level of hard and complicated. The choices we make in life are different because of it. Our lives takes a lot of detours and u turns because of it. We settle for what we can get instead of what we really wanted. And one day we wake up and we’re middle aged and we wonder how we got here. You trace back through your history and can see where you made certain decisions based on how things were back then and you can see the road you took. It’s not a bad road and your current destination is actually better than you imagined in some ways. But there is this aching in the pit of your gut that tells you that the road you traveled was not the road you really wanted to travel and you ended up in a totally different place than you intended to go. And you think about what you might be missing.
Transition is all about alignment and living one’s truth. In a way, it feels like I’ve been on an alternate route, a by-pass of sorts, most of my life and now I’m looking for highway signs to direct me back to my true path. I wonder if that “true path” will be traveled alone or if I’ll have company along the way. I’m at a cross-roads right now. I can stay the course or I can take that exit onto a totally different road. One thing I know is that it will not be less complicated, nor easier, either direction I choose to go.