Getting Closer

It’s been months since I posted anything on here.  Sorry about that.  I’m still alive.

For the past several months I had to put my gender concerns on “the shelf” in order to focus on other things that needed my full attention.  My partner had needed me to be completely present for her through the end of 2013 and into the first part of this year so I shelved my personal issues to help her out.  I went into that time period feeling drained and a little resentful about it but, amazingly, we ended up bonding in a way that has made us closer and feeling more loving towards each other.  So, it was worth it and I’m glad I could do something for her that she needed.

But now I’m back and I’m full force working through what I want to do about my gender.  I continue to waffle around about whether to transition completely to male or try to find a neutral place between male and female that I can be comfortable in.  The problem is, I’m pretty much there right now and I’m not content with it.  When I think about not transitioning to male I feel a sense of let down inside me.  I feel deflated.  

I fight my desire to transition.  I know that it will mean telling my deepest, darkest secret to everyone who knows me.  It means coming out at my job, possibly losing employees and customers.  It means telling friends I’ve known since I was in kindergarten (many, many years ago!).  It means I could lose my partner, my home and our life that we’ve built for the past 16 years.  It means reinventing myself.  I ask myself if it’s really worth all of that.  Deep down, I know that it is.

And I also know that I have much to gain by transitioning.  Most of the gain will be with how I feel about myself internally.  I will know peace in a way that I never have, even while other parts of my life may be in turmoil.  I want to know what it feels like to be whole and not have to hide parts of myself.  I want to live authentically.

I inch ever closer to that line every day.  One day, I’m sure, I will nudge myself over and not look back.  Until then, I continue to weigh my options and take baby steps towards the person that I am meant to be.