The Clothes Make the Transman

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Since working with my coaches again I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I have 100% accepted that I am a transman whether I transition or not.  I started out grieving over the boyhood I felt I missed out on but have realized that I actually had a pretty decent boyhood considering the situation.  It certainly could’ve been a lot worse.  But, there were a few things that I really wanted to do when I was a kid and wasn’t able to for whatever reason so I have decided that I will re-parent and re-connect with myself somewhat and give the boy that’s still in me some of the childhood things I didn’t have.  Now I’m not talking about wearing blue diapers or parading around in a cowboy outfit, though I did have one back in the day.  I’m a bit of a shoe/boot hound and I’ve always loved Converse tennis shoes.  The other day I went out and bought myself a pair.  It feels great to wear them now.  Actually I had a couple pairs a long time ago but they are a definite symbol of my boyhood.  I think it’s really important to give yourself these little things whenever you can.  It feels so good to finally be able to do what I want without permission.

But this post is supposed to be about clothes.  Yes, well, clothing is one of my biggest triggers for dysphoria.   Clothing is a big deal for me.  I love that most days I can walk around in 90-100% men’s clothing and no one thinks a thing of it.  Everyday life is not a problem for me now.  But on the rare occasion that I need to get dressed up I get very wigged out about what to wear.  I really want to be able to wear a suit and tie to weddings and funerals.  A year ago we had a wedding to go to and my partner made a big deal about what we would wear.  We shopped and shopped for “outfits”.  No luck.  Stuff either didn’t fit or I just wouldn’t wear it.  One weekend we had gone into the city to a big mall to shop at one of the high end retailers and spent several hours upstairs in the Women’s Dept. searching for some things to wear.  I was so frustrated and depressed.  I just wanted a decent jacket to wear with some slacks and a decent shirt.  Nope.  None to be found up there.  Finally we decided to give up and descended the escalators into the Men’s Department to leave.  As I came down the escalators it was like I was entering clothing heaven.  Where upstairs everything seemed chaotic and disorganized, down there I saw order and organization.  I saw so many things just in a few seconds that I would want to look at where upstairs I was really pushing it to find one thing worth trying on.  I had an epiphany and nearly broke down at that moment.  I did start crying on our way out of the store.  I told my partner that I just wanted to go buy a suit.  She reminded me that I’d have a hard time finding clothes to fit me in there too since I’m short and round (working on that).  True but things can be altered.  And there is the problem of my chest.  It’s pretty large and I don’t bind it.  Yes, the Men’s Department is not optimal due to the shape of my body but it’s a heck of a lot better than what I saw upstairs.

So the other day I got an email about a new clothing company that is designing suits for lesbians, transmen and any female body person who wants to wear a suit.  The suits are expensive but I imagine they are well worth it.  They are tailored suits like anything you’d find in a Men’s store but tailored to fit female bodies.  I was intrigued!  The company has a great philosophy and one day I will buy a suit from them.  If you’re interested in checking them out here is where you can find them http://www.saintharridan.com.  (I am not affiliated with them in any way.)  I want to lose weight and get one of these suits as a reward.  I think this transman will rock their suit one day soon!

Closer to a Decision

the thinkerI started seeing a gender therapist recently and working with my life coach again. This past weekend I came out to my “mother in law” (my partner and I are not married legally). I have been coming out to friends and family very gradually over the past couple of years. So far, everyone has been amazingly supportive. One of my old friends from a past life actually wished me a Happy Father’s Day this year. Wow! Now, I don’t have human children but I do have two pets to whom I am a parent. Anyway, I thought that was by far one of the coolest things anyone has done so far.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to up my T dosage. It’s time. I’ve been on a really really low dose (about 1/4 full dose) for the past two years. I am using Androgel instead of injections. So I’m planning to gradually increase my dosage until I’m to 1/2 dose.  I will be talking with my endo doc in October about switching to injections. If my relationship breaks up I will not be able to afford the gel. It’s a lot more expensive and works slower too.

So, what has gotten me to this point of feeling like I am going to go for it and transition completely? Believe me I have researched and read everything I can get my hands on about reasons people choose to transition and risk losing family, friends, jobs and lives. For me it boils down to one thing. I believe that it is my path in this life to stand up and say “This is who and what I am!” I have been a trailblazer and maverick at so many junctures of my life so why should this be any different? It’s not an easy life to always be blazing the trail but I am not alone. So many trans men are waking up right now…young, old and everything in between…I have to think that there is a reason for it. Maybe the world needs us to bring balance to the sexes and to the world. I don’t know the reason but it does seem like more and more lesbians especially are waking up to their truth now. Maybe it’s a movement in the making. I don’t know. But I know that I’m excited and anxious at the same time. At 51, change is not easy.