Why am I here?

So, why AM I here anyway?  Well, I have a lot more questions than answers at the moment and I am thinking that I’m not the only one out there that is going through the same stuff I’m experiencing.  Maybe we can help each other figure it all out.

And what is it that I’m experiencing?  I guess you could call it a shift in self perception.  For the past 30 years I’ve never questioned my sexuality.  I was a lesbian; simple as that.  It has shaped my life in every way imaginable and  where I am today is a result of identifying as a lesbian all these years.  But about a year ago I met a person online who has turned that perception of myself upside down and confused me in a way I’ve never been before.  This person is a transgender MTF woman.  I didn’t know she was trans when I met her and she didn’t know I was lesbian.  One day she decided to come out to me and so I did as well with her.  We began sharing our stories and experiences with each other and our friendship continued to grow.  It didn’t freak me out that she is transgender.  Rather, it intrigued me and I found myself extremely curious about how she came to terms with her need to transition and live as a woman.  I asked her tons of questions and learned a lot.  One day, she started asking me questions…some not so easy to answer.  As it turns out, we were very similar except completely opposite as she had been raised as a boy and I had been raised as a girl.  She pointed me to a website one day that I can only assume is for psychiatric professionals that outlined the definition and “symptoms” of transgenderism.  She told me to read it and tell her what I thought.  Well….what I thought was that it sounded a LOT like ME!!  At that moment my world turned upside down and I have been wondering about myself ever since.  Who and what am I REALLY???  Am I a lesbian? a butch lesbian?  transgender?

I believe that certain people appear in our lives when we’re ready to learn something we need to learn.  I think my MTF friend came into my life to open my eyes and help me see what I’ve been avoiding and burying all these years.  But what to DO now that I have this information?  And am I really trans?  I’ve lived 50 years as a woman and 30 as a lesbian.  Why not just continue as I have until the end?  And maybe I’m not really trans but a butch lesbian wanting to emerge into her own.  Where is the line between Butch and FTM?  I know that the striking difference between the two is that Butch people are happy being women and FTM’s are NOT!  That’s a big difference, but there’s more to it than that.  There are a LOT of similarities between the two and I would say some definite crossover there too.  For instance, some butch women have chest surgery (aka top surgery) and some take testosterone (aka T).  Many butch women “pass” as male on a daily basis.  Hmmm…sounds a lot like an FTM to me.  But, no, they’re butch lesbians..happy to be women.  Transguys (FTM’s) are not happy being women and view themselves as men in a female body.  So I’m confused.

So this is the beginning of my discussion on here about what I’m learning every day and struggling to comprehend.  I know there are a lot of differing opinions about this subject and that it’s a very hot topic for many lesbians these days.  I welcome constructive comments from anyone who has a thought to share.


2 thoughts on “Why am I here?

  1. I think this is where I’m currently at….and I don’t know how to distinguish the difference and draw the lines for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Back in those days I spent a lot of time reading the forums on butchfemmeplanet.com to try to get a better understanding between identifying as butch vs. trans. There are a lot of trans guys on there too so it’s welcoming to all people.

      Also, you can try to ask yourself some questions and sit with them for a while to see how you feel, really feel, about the answers. Like, if you were on a deserted island would it matter to you what gender you were? If you were told that you could never transition how does that feel? How do you feel about yourself as a little old lady or little old man? Which feels most right to you? If you had facial hair would you like that or hate it? How do you imagine yourself in your imagination? Imagine telling yourself that you have decided not to transition and see how that feels. Imagine telling yourself that you have decided that you will transition and see how that feels. Do you think of yourself as a man or a woman internally?

      I’m assuming that you are living as a lesbian now and are questioning whether you’re trans or not. Or maybe someone you care about is. I’m not sure. I do think, still, that there is a lot of overlap between butch women and trans men and many butch women are fine with being masculine women. It’s ok no matter what you ultimately decide as long as you’re comfortable with it. You might look at Jamie Ray’s blog A Boy and Her Dog. Jamie has found a way to live as a trans butch person in a middle zone that makes them comfortable.

      Good luck in all of this. Gender is huge. Also, the book Gender Outlaws by Kate Bornstein was very helpful to me. Feel free to email me if you want to chat.


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